As school is about to start and my very short summer starts to come to a close, my days have consisted of a handful of practical matters with the occasional hangout. There’s a lot to do, a lot to think about. The worries of not being able to survive academically or socially constantly in a new environment plague my thoughts. There’s a lot of excitement in going to a new school, but no one ever talks about how difficult transitions are. Though it’s difficult leaving an environment where i had gotten familiar with and had grown to like, one with friends and future plans and participation in activities, it was my own choice. I knew what I was getting myself into. I have spent the past week and a half just being a gloomy cloud, being negative/anxious, doubting myself, and it has honestly done nothing for me.
So, i’m done with that. When i feel anxious, I must remember to cast my anxieties on God, because he cares for me. He placed me at this school, where I always wanted to go, because He has a plan for me and he thinks that it’s the right path for me. and I should not have any reason to not believe him. when i feel insecure and doubt myself, which is really often, I need to learn not to bring other people down with me. I was created with so much love. I am loved by so many people. If we are all so fearfully and wonderfully made, by the one who made this beautiful world, then we must believe that we are. I can only hope to be more patient, confident, and kind as I grow older. and I hope to love myself as much as I am loved.
I’m marveling at how much i have changed from last summer to this summer. I laugh at how friends say, “You’re so straight edge now." I am in shock at the fact that I actually did ok (like..got through it basically) in college math and science. I am thankful that I have a few really great friends that i can have fun yet meaningful conversations with. No one, not even myself, would’ve thought that I would have found God in a party school. But I’m happy it happened. I am so so glad to have an improved relationship with my family..including my brother. In so many ways, I am still the same. It's only in the little details where you can tell I have changed. And guess what? There is still so much more to work on. Summers aren't the usual way of marking growth like a new year or a birthday, but this time frame has been filled with discovery and I just felt compelled to share!
Blogging has TRULY been such a cathartic and wonderful way for me to chronicle my life. If you’re a reader of my blog, or know me well, it’s definitely no secret that my favorite things to write/blog about are things relating to self improvement, things that are inspirational, and things revolving around positivity (with the occasional complaint or unhappy post). With all of that being said, it’s hard sometimes, especially on a public platform, to share my struggles and thoughts, some which may not always be the nicest or the sweetest.
But at the end of the day, I am happy that i am able to be honest and raw with the things i feel because what kind of life is absent from struggle, unhappiness, and pain anyway? Maybe an Instagram life, one that is perfectly filtered and only shows everybody’s best moments…not real life that’s for sure. I know I complain and whine about life a lot, but I would not trade or replace my bad memories or mistakes for anything. It’s true when they say that it is in our cracks, our crumbling state — where the light truly gets in. so you, yes YOU, thank you for sticking around. Whether you’re my friend, my reader, someone i talk to once in a while, someone i don’t talk to anymore, you have been a contribution to who i am today. Cheers to new experiences and even more positive changes.